The following is a variation on oft-cited stories about the politically correct responses to the “holiday season” in the military.

December 1st
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I’m happy to inform you that the Squadron Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

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December 2nd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

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December 3rd
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange– no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

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December 7th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I’ve arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

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December 9th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
People, people — nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF
Executive Officer

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December 10th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
Vegetarians — I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now… Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The [W]itch from Hell

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December 14th
TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I’ve decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead.

Happy Holidays!
Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF
Commander

As quoted at about.com.